The sudden realisation...

HAPPY NOVEMBER!!! 55 sleeps until Christmas ahhh

I have realised how much my head is constantly back and forth with different guys all the time.

I haven't spoken to Rory in weeks, well not in a flirty way anyway.

Collin is incontactable... I am so angry, he just one day stopped replying, what the fuck am I meant to do, he lives fucking thousands of miles away.. I've taken it that he's with another girl, I tell myself that 'that's it he can't choose when he wants to talk', and then I know that if he comes back I'm literally gonna just go straight back to him. I can't help thinking that he's too good to go off with another girl, but I sent him a message on facebook and even though he has been active since I still have no reply...

Last night I was at a pardy pardy pardy (excuse that outburst) and my friend (I say friend but I have on and off fancied him for months now) was there. He has a really freaking good body and he was wearing this tight tee which caressed each muscular bulge. He looked fineeee. Yes, I had had a bit to drink (when I say a bit I mean an 8 shots of vodka two cans of beer and a quarter of a bottle of wine bit) and when I get drunk I get really touchy feely, it's actually embarrassing. It's not like rapey touchy feely just like my hands are always on the guys arms or chest or stomach. He's so nice and funny and we do get on well, I mean I do get on with everyone really but we really do, and we'd hug whenever we saw eachother and bah. I don't know what to say.

But then, yes, another, there is this really (I think so anyway) hot guy in the year below. I am not small, I am not skinny, and he, he is chunky, he is by no means fat, used to be, but no longer (WHICH I TOLD HIM?! oh, the things alcohol does to me). I love chunky guys, I want a guy that can take control of me and be strong and mmhmmm. anyway, he was there and he's so nice, but I just cannot get over how hot he is now. SUDDEN REALISATION. Like where the hell did that come from.

I just wish so much that I had a guy that like me, it's so unfair, I just want to be loved and I never get that, it's always one sided. I always feel like no matter what the relationship it's me doing the work. OK MOAN OVER.

What do I do? Who do I choose to pursue? oh I just don't know.

GIVE ME ADVICE

I'll keep you updated... 

I'm a mum now...

I'd first off like to say sorry... I have been super busy with college work and partays (i have no idea why I just spelt it like that...) anyway

Since you now know that my mum left us, I can now just jump straight into this story without any background info. If you haven't read my last post, READ IT.

So my little sister, goes obviously to a primary school (elementary if you're from the beautiful country of america) and so she finishes at 3.15pm, I finish at 3.25pm. Ten minutes in itself would not be a real issue, if it wasn't for the fact that I have to get an hour long bus journey home. That means my sister has to go round a baby sitter's until I can pick her up as soon as I get off my bus at 4.30pm. I then go on to walk her home, 4.50pm. I then help her with her homework in between her tantrums. At 5.15pm I cook dinner, enough for me, my little sister, my elder sister when she returns for work (she's a nurse) and my Dad. Now, don't get me wrong, there is no other option. My Dad works his butt off, earning a lot of money to keep us all going. He's a saver and luckily (if you call it that) he had been saving for 25 years of marriage for their retirement to be wonderful. Thanks to this when my Mum wanted to take all the money she was 'entitled' to as in a divorce everything is split in half (not literally), we didn't have to move house to afford this. Even then realistically, I finish doing bits and bobs at about half 6. This means I have three hours to do all my assignments. Not only does this make my life incredibly difficult but I get so stressed out. In my college we are meant to complete 5 hours independent study on each subject per week. That's 20 hours, 4 hours per night. Which, yes, as i'm sure you've worked out, it's impossible. I am already lying to my teachers about 'forgetting' my homework. 

I am freaking out. 

I am so stressed out. I'm not meant to be a mother for at least another 10 years and here I am, mothering my sister. As you can probably guess this is another reason why my Mum has made my life a whole lot more difficult. I cannot cope with a child, especially one that won't even empty the dishwasher when I ask. Ahhh. I am drowning...

I really need someone to look after my child... haha, and the thing is, she isn't my child. She's my sister yet here I am, reassuring her that the child at school will stop bullying her about her parents splitting up. Here I am, making her packed lunch for school the next day. I need a little bit of respite. At least next year she'll be at secondary school (high school actually it's middle school but we don't have that here) and will come home at the same time as me. She can get her packed lunch at school. She can do her homework herself, and finally her independence will set me free. 

I feel like such a bad person for freaking out over something all you teen mums have to put up with everyday, but I guess it's because I know that she isn't meant to be my responsibility, I guess it's because I never made the decision to have her, but merely by some freak storm she is now my responsibility. My Dad helps out all he can when he can. When he isn't away in some far away country dealing with clients, when he isn't in London earning bonuses to help us have the life he wants us to. I love him to the moon and back and I only wish you could all meet him because he is the best Dad/Mum ever. He does everything and anything. I can only thank him enough for everything he has given me, and us as a family. 

I love my family, and I know that taking this one role on, will help my Dad an existential amount.  It's a small price to pay for the happiness of another. 

Thankyou for reading this, it at least makes me feel as if I am affecting somebody with my stories and my life. Please leave a comment so I can feel as though someone really is reading this, and maybe tell me what part of my life you'd want me to talk about more or something that I haven't yet said. Thankyou for reading the ramblings of another unimportant teenager...

Divorce hurts everyone...

I feel you've had enough of my over-excitement toward boys, boys and yes, boys.
My family liiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffffeeeeeeeeee. (you have to sing that like a jingle for the excitement)
READ WITH A SMILE TO ADD HAPPINESS.
Last year my mum left us and asked for a divorce with my dad. This was one of THE toughest times ever, which sounds rather pathetic in retrospect. I was best friends with someone coping through depression and I felt it abhorrent to even consider plaguing her with my problems too, I couldn't talk to my Dad, I couldn't talk to my Mum (neither would I want to), I had no-one. I slowly started closing myself in, shutting myself away. As what I had known no longer existed, my life felt so different I'd pinch myself in a hope I would wake up from this terrible nightmare.
From April to December my life slowly started crumbling until in December I started becoming very depressed and having terrible thoughts. In December I once sat in my shower crying and crying, feeling so lost in a world where I thought I had found myself, everything I had known  was gone. I feel like last year my Mum died and now there is an imposter in her body, coming in and ruining everything, day by day.

In December I found Annie. If it wasn't for Annie I would be buried in the ground. She would text me and ask me how I was. She would show interest and she would give a listening ear for all my worries and problems. Slowly my life became a rollercoaster, a rollercoaster that only went up. She saved my life. I had experienced a time no-one should ever have to experience, I experienced a low no-one should ever have to go through.
Believe it or not, this low was a huge blessing in disguise. I found a friendship with my sister that I had never even considered possible. We were both going through the same thing although she is 5 years older than me and 21 we talk to each other about everything. Also, I found my other best friend Annie, I will be forever grateful for her helping me out of the trouble I was in.

Anyone who's parents went through a divorce will know exactly what I mean when I say I blamed myself. I would constantly think back to the times when I could have been a little less trouble. Also you feel like you are betraying one parent, I never felt it right to say something hurtful as I would never forgive myself. Lucking my Dad is amazing and helped me through the worst.

I just want you to know that whenever you're going through a really tough time, things will get better, when it's the worst it has been take a breath and know you have coped and are coping through the worst times of all, you can cope through anything. You are strong. Smile, it gets you places, you can trick your head into thinking your happy and you actually will be. Just smile, just laugh. Any bad feelings you have, think of everything good you have to come, think of the children you may one day give birth to or adopt, it's all planned out you have to be here for that child, for that friend who may have a hard time like you did. You need to take this experience and make it positive. Make friends who are in the same situation and make your life positively FANTASTIC. Please just stay strong because too many lives are lost, of those people that forget you've had the worst it only gets better.

You will find your Annie, and she/he will be the most amazing person you will ever have. If not now, one day. You will truly be happy. I wish you the best my friend.

The life of a fairytale princess

OHMYGOD.

Scrap that with Rory.

COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN. 

He's amazing. Ohmygod, not only is he such a beautiful person on the inside but also on the outside and he treats me like a princess. He's so sweet and I cannot help thinking 'how in cheese name did I end up with him?!' 

I actually cannot explain how happy I am today, all thanks to him.

I LOVE him. Yes LOVE.

Holy poo. 

No longer are my childhood fantasies expected as I no longer have fantasies. My reality matches it. The fantasies that I've always wished for, are HERE. In my heart. I will be his princess forever more... 

Anything he says splits my face into this huge grin. I love him. I do.

An upside-down love story...

Ew, Ew, Ew...
I swear the days get longer and longer the further you progress through the week.
I am swimming in essays. I'm pretty much 100% sure that starting an essay the lesson before it's due is not how it's meant to be done. However I did prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to... no, I didn't finish it in time and yes I said I'd 'forgotten it'.
If I had £1 for every time I used that excuse I'd be a millionaire.
Every year, I make myself a pact promising that I will do my homework and assignments on time and not one year yet have I ever achieved this.

Now you may remember yesterday I told you about Rory (by the way this is a fake name just in case someone figures out it's me) and I may have purposely forgotten to mention that he's kinda almost dating this other girl. Not only is she just another girl but she's someone I know. Now, in a way they are perfect for each other as they are both as average as average people on average tablets get. Neither of them have any redeeming features they are pure averagenessnessness (other than her extremely attractive sister, even me straight as a straight person can admit to this). Do I pursue that path or don't I... Maybe he's been friend-zoned as they have been talking since Easter, ages ago right. Still nothing has happened. Surely it isn't questionable, must have been. Friend-zoned... surely. Please? For once let my fortunes be good, let me be the one which gets the guy.

My desperation is very apparent now... moving on.

I think throughout my life I have merely been indoctrinated by rom-coms and now believe that the love in these films exists...
Well, I have proof.

COLLIN. 

*Cue soppyness* Today he messaged me and every time he does my heart melts... Currently I my trip to America for yes, just under a WHOLE TWO YEARS time (I'm a student I have to save). In America I will meet him, this guy, the one I've been talking to and fallen in love with. I will meet him? Seems a love story upside down right? I'm meant to meet him first then fall in love, well that's what we've been lead to believe. Well NEWSFLASH, it's the modern world now... we like to change shit up a little.

BUT...

Can I cope with not hearing from him for at least 5 days at a time? I sometimes feel like it's me making the effort. I used not to be, it used to be ALL him but... not any more. There's always that question in the back of my mind, what if? What if... there's another girl there too? What if... he doesn't mean anything he's saying?
How am I supposed to know? Well, I'm not and that's it... it's the luck of the draw.

I told him today that the next conversation will be initiated by him and i won't start a conversation until he does... Finally I feel I can take some control.

I hope it remains... maybe tomorrow I shall enlighten you all on my wonderful (or not so wonderful) family life.

Trials and Tribulations of life and all it's sectors...

Five things that currently torment me:

Number one: The male kind

Number two: I eat way too much

Number three: Penis owners, otherwise referred to as the male kind (most cases that is...) not including dildos but I thought that was a given. Let me rephrase myself... Number three: Penis owners of the natural kind only, dicounting all  rubber or any other man-made Peni (plural for penises of course)

Number four: Oceans

Number five: BOYS

Now, I know what you're thinking, these are all perfectly plausible tormentors, and you've probably noticed that three of my tormentors are the same thing... males, men, boys (apparently there is a difference between men and boys depending on maturity however I am still yet to discover a man who actually matures from a boy). You may have, probably, most likely, (unless a little brain dead) noticed that this is pretty much just another cliché blog of a teenage girl. And for those of you not the slightest brain dead, you are 100% right.

I'm going to start with the most occurring tormentor in my life and in the lives of many of others... GUYS. 
The effort it takes to retain their attention without boring them to death (which is actually surprisingly easy [not the death part]) is substantial. Currently there are two main 'Guys' in my life. 
1) Rory 
2)Collin 
Rory is an old flame of mine (I've always wanted to say that, in all of my 16 years?) and I have always always always regretted it, he is no-one you stop to look at in the street that's for sure, just another guy in my year at school... He is neither hilarious nor does he have a bad sense of humour. The point is, he is average, average as an average thing gets. Now you're going to think this is weird but, I've reverted straight back to him? No, we are not back together and neither are we practically 'dating'. We're just talking, and not only are we talking but I am sure as heck crushing on this guy that I have resented even association with for a good few years. 'Why now?' I hear you asking, well I have about as much of a clue to that as I do my left and right feet (still having to right a big L and R on the bottom of my shoes at my grand old age of 16 is definitely not a good sign). Yes, he's rich and yes he has all these nice shoes and clothes, this being an upside but he pays attention to me. Yes that's right pays attention to me! I've always been chubby (due to Number two of my main tormentors) but I'm not ugly, guys go for the hot bod and not the face I'm afraid. This meaning attention is a rare thing and, when found is easily taken. 

Now moving very abruptly to Collin. Due to this lack of attention I never got throughout most of my life, it was all I could crave. So, in my desperation for a non-gay male to talk to I turned to omegle, and chatroulette. Through this I met some right perverts and some absolutely LOVELY people! This, yes this is how I met Collin. He's tall and muscly (I've spent a good while staring at that word very sure that it's mispelt but I MUST move on) and has ginger hair, for most this is a definite turn off but I'm ginger too so... BRING ON THE GINGERS. We have so much in common, for starters, obviously as you know, we're both ginger, secondly we both live with our Dads, thirdly we're both born in the month of August and lastly (of this list anyway, I could continue) we both said we wanted to call our child Lily without previous discussion. CRAZINESS. This leading perfectly onto the soul reason for my hate of oceans... Collin lives about 4000 miles away from me in Pennsylvania, USA. Why?! I know this sounds all cheesy but when I go to sleep after talking to him I just crave his arms to be around my waist, which right now is a definite impossibility. Not only is the distance an obvious uhm, how can I say it, shitter on the situation but he's in College and so he has so much to do all the time. I miss him so much when we don't speak, and yes. I think (L-BOMB WARNING) I'm in love with him and his beautiful ways. 
Oh the decisions, someone mediocre right here on my doorstep or the perfect person 4000 miles away... 

 Enough ramblings for today, 

another time... share away my blogger buddies. 

p.s please leave your advice in the comments section...