Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Paris, but what about the rest?


I was watching and reading of the horrific happenings in Paris this last week and how so many innocent lives were lost, and just thinking of how this is happening every single day of our lives yet due to it finally encroaching on our western bubble of safety it is finally front page news. I had friends visiting Paris at the time but aside from this it was the story of one man which really struck me hard as an incredibly family oriented person, as he lost a member of his family in every atrocity which occurred that day. I saw a poem by Karuna Ezara Parikh which just reiterates my point to perfectly and so eloquently:

'It is not Paris we should pray for.
It is the world. It is a world in which Beirut,
reeling from bombings two days before Paris,
is not covered in the press.
A world in which a bomb goes off
at a funeral in Baghdad
and not one person's status update says "Baghdad",
because not one white person died in that fire.
Pray for the world 
that blames a refugee crisis for a terrorist attack. 
That does not pause to differentiate between the attacker 
and the person running from the very same thing you are.
Pray for a world
where people walking across countries for months,
their only belongings upon their backs,
are told they have not place to go.
Say a prayer for Paris by all means,
but pray more,
for the world that does not have a prayer
for those who no longer have a home to defend. 
For a world that is falling apart in all corners,
and not simply in the towers and cafes we find so familiar.'

I am lucky enough to write this from my warm house in a country not directly affected by war and strife yet there are people affected every single day elsewhere. I understand how truly awful the Paris attacks were and how so many people have visited and therefore find it more relatable but there is a huge need for focus on the reality of so many situations. I am not pretending I'm perfect and I can do nothing but agree that it is so entirely impossible to let these atrocities consume our lives and that there is also a need to move on but pray for them, think of them, offer wishes and greet these people running in fear from everything they've ever known, their lives, their families dead or alive in an attempt to live another day, avoid this negativity thrust upon us and thrive in this international 'one' that we are becoming.

I know this is slightly different to what I normally do, believe me I know, but I seemed to find that there was nothing more suitable to write as of now than this.

Saturday, 31 October 2015

I don't know what to say...

I guess what's sad is how I completely forgot this existed.

For those of you that care and those that don't a lot has changed, some good, some bad. Since October 2013... 2 years ago to the month.

In the following year of 2014 my Dad's health began to deteriorate rapidly, he had terrible lungs all along, really nothing special due to a disease but from the start to the end his lungs deteriorated to about 28% capacity and now he's on oxygen 24/7 they tried to stop the progression with chemo and various other treatments but right now the best that's possible is the deterioration plateauing. He still keeps in great spirits even though he is no longer fit to work and inspires me every single day.

In other news, I failed my first year in college so retook it and got declined my application for head girl. In my retake year I got voted in chairperson of the sixth form committee and now I've finally made it to my final year of college and I finally got my head girl position.I'm appreciating every single day of my education and am so determined to succeed this year.

Earlier in the year I started seeing someone who in fact told me they loved me then after sleeping with me decided I was clearly not the one for me. He left, with my virginity. Something I will never have back, but will never regret for at the time it was what I wanted, what felt right, even though I now know he wasn't right for me.

The 'Collin' I was so infatuated with back in October 2013 and I do occassionally speak as a matter of fact and I still wonder what could've happened had he been nearer. However, not so much of late. As recently I got myself a boyfriend. I know, me a boyfriend. The day I never thought would come. Not only is he the first person who is just on my bloody wavelength all the time, but he gets me, he adores me just as much as I do him and I can honestly say I have never been in love with someone to the extent I love my Luke.

I hope I don't look back on here in years to come and find that he wasn't the one I would end up with because I can truly invisage my life with him, every aspect.

I'm going to try and keep you updated because I forgot how cathartic this blog really is for me.

Good night,
The girl in a dream world.

p.s. Happy Halloween....

Sunday, 3 November 2013

The sudden realisation...


HAPPY NOVEMBER!!! 55 sleeps until Christmas ahhh

I have realised how much my head is constantly back and forth with different guys all the time.

I haven't spoken to Rory in weeks, well not in a flirty way anyway.

Collin is incontactable... I am so angry, he just one day stopped replying, what the fuck am I meant to do, he lives fucking thousands of miles away.. I've taken it that he's with another girl, I tell myself that 'that's it he can't choose when he wants to talk', and then I know that if he comes back I'm literally gonna just go straight back to him. I can't help thinking that he's too good to go off with another girl, but I sent him a message on facebook and even though he has been active since I still have no reply...

Last night I was at a pardy pardy pardy (excuse that outburst) and my friend (I say friend but I have on and off fancied him for months now) was there. He has a really freaking good body and he was wearing this tight tee which caressed each muscular bulge. He looked fineeee. Yes, I had had a bit to drink (when I say a bit I mean an 8 shots of vodka two cans of beer and a quarter of a bottle of wine bit) and when I get drunk I get really touchy feely, it's actually embarrassing. It's not like rapey touchy feely just like my hands are always on the guys arms or chest or stomach. He's so nice and funny and we do get on well, I mean I do get on with everyone really but we really do, and we'd hug whenever we saw eachother and bah. I don't know what to say.

But then, yes, another, there is this really (I think so anyway) hot guy in the year below. I am not small, I am not skinny, and he, he is chunky, he is by no means fat, used to be, but no longer (WHICH I TOLD HIM?! oh, the things alcohol does to me). I love chunky guys, I want a guy that can take control of me and be strong and mmhmmm. anyway, he was there and he's so nice, but I just cannot get over how hot he is now. SUDDEN REALISATION. Like where the hell did that come from.

I just wish so much that I had a guy that like me, it's so unfair, I just want to be loved and I never get that, it's always one sided. I always feel like no matter what the relationship it's me doing the work. OK MOAN OVER.

What do I do? Who do I choose to pursue? oh I just don't know.


GIVE ME ADVICE
I'll keep you updated... 

Sunday, 27 October 2013

I'm a mum now...

I'd first off like to say sorry... I have been super busy with college work and partays (i have no idea why I just spelt it like that...) anyway

Since you now know that my mum left us, I can now just jump straight into this story without any background info. If you haven't read my last post, READ IT.

So my little sister, goes obviously to a primary school (elementary if you're from the beautiful country of america) and so she finishes at 3.15pm, I finish at 3.25pm. Ten minutes in itself would not be a real issue, if it wasn't for the fact that I have to get an hour long bus journey home. That means my sister has to go round a baby sitter's until I can pick her up as soon as I get off my bus at 4.30pm. I then go on to walk her home, 4.50pm. I then help her with her homework in between her tantrums. At 5.15pm I cook dinner, enough for me, my little sister, my elder sister when she returns for work (she's a nurse) and my Dad. Now, don't get me wrong, there is no other option. My Dad works his butt off, earning a lot of money to keep us all going. He's a saver and luckily (if you call it that) he had been saving for 25 years of marriage for their retirement to be wonderful. Thanks to this when my Mum wanted to take all the money she was 'entitled' to as in a divorce everything is split in half (not literally), we didn't have to move house to afford this. Even then realistically, I finish doing bits and bobs at about half 6. This means I have three hours to do all my assignments. Not only does this make my life incredibly difficult but I get so stressed out. In my college we are meant to complete 5 hours independent study on each subject per week. That's 20 hours, 4 hours per night. Which, yes, as i'm sure you've worked out, it's impossible. I am already lying to my teachers about 'forgetting' my homework. 

am freaking out. 

I am so stressed out. I'm not meant to be a mother for at least another 10 years and here I am, mothering my sister. As you can probably guess this is another reason why my Mum has made my life a whole lot more difficult. I cannot cope with a child, especially one that won't even empty the dishwasher when I ask. Ahhh. I am drowning...

I really need someone to look after my child... haha, and the thing is, she isn't my child. She's my sister yet here I am, reassuring her that the child at school will stop bullying her about her parents splitting up. Here I am, making her packed lunch for school the next day. I need a little bit of respite. At least next year she'll be at secondary school (high school actually it's middle school but we don't have that here) and will come home at the same time as me. She can get her packed lunch at school. She can do her homework herself, and finally her independence will set me free. 

I feel like such a bad person for freaking out over something all you teen mums have to put up with everyday, but I guess it's because I know that she isn't meant to be my responsibility, I guess it's because I never made the decision to have her, but merely by some freak storm she is now my responsibility. My Dad helps out all he can when he can. When he isn't away in some far away country dealing with clients, when he isn't in London earning bonuses to help us have the life he wants us to. I love him to the moon and back and I only wish you could all meet him because he is the best Dad/Mum ever. He does everything and anything. I can only thank him enough for everything he has given me, and us as a family. 

I love my family, and I know that taking this one role on, will help my Dad an existential amount.  It's a small price to pay for the happiness of another. 

Thankyou for reading this, it at least makes me feel as if I am affecting somebody with my stories and my life. Please leave a comment so I can feel as though someone really is reading this, and maybe tell me what part of my life you'd want me to talk about more or something that I haven't yet said. Thankyou for reading the ramblings of another unimportant teenager...

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Divorce hurts everyone...

I feel you've had enough of my over-excitement toward boys, boys and yes, boys.
My family liiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffffeeeeeeeeee. (you have to sing that like a jingle for the excitement)
READ WITH A SMILE TO ADD HAPPINESS.
Last year my mum left us and asked for a divorce with my dad. This was one of THE toughest times ever, which sounds rather pathetic in retrospect. I was best friends with someone coping through depression and I felt it abhorrent to even consider plaguing her with my problems too, I couldn't talk to my Dad, I couldn't talk to my Mum (neither would I want to), I had no-one. I slowly started closing myself in, shutting myself away. As what I had known no longer existed, my life felt so different I'd pinch myself in a hope I would wake up from this terrible nightmare.
From April to December my life slowly started crumbling until in December I started becoming very depressed and having terrible thoughts. In December I once sat in my shower crying and crying, feeling so lost in a world where I thought I had found myself, everything I had known  was gone. I feel like last year my Mum died and now there is an imposter in her body, coming in and ruining everything, day by day.

In December I found Annie. If it wasn't for Annie I would be buried in the ground. She would text me and ask me how I was. She would show interest and she would give a listening ear for all my worries and problems. Slowly my life became a rollercoaster, a rollercoaster that only went up. She saved my life. I had experienced a time no-one should ever have to experience, I experienced a low no-one should ever have to go through.
Believe it or not, this low was a huge blessing in disguise. I found a friendship with my sister that I had never even considered possible. We were both going through the same thing although she is 5 years older than me and 21 we talk to each other about everything. Also, I found my other best friend Annie, I will be forever grateful for her helping me out of the trouble I was in.

Anyone who's parents went through a divorce will know exactly what I mean when I say I blamed myself. I would constantly think back to the times when I could have been a little less trouble. Also you feel like you are betraying one parent, I never felt it right to say something hurtful as I would never forgive myself. Lucking my Dad is amazing and helped me through the worst.

I just want you to know that whenever you're going through a really tough time, things will get better, when it's the worst it has been take a breath and know you have coped and are coping through the worst times of all, you can cope through anything. You are strong. Smile, it gets you places, you can trick your head into thinking your happy and you actually will be. Just smile, just laugh. Any bad feelings you have, think of everything good you have to come, think of the children you may one day give birth to or adopt, it's all planned out you have to be here for that child, for that friend who may have a hard time like you did. You need to take this experience and make it positive. Make friends who are in the same situation and make your life positively FANTASTIC. Please just stay strong because too many lives are lost, of those people that forget you've had the worst it only gets better.

You will find your Annie, and she/he will be the most amazing person you will ever have. If not now, one day. You will truly be happy. I wish you the best my friend.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

The life of a fairytale princess

OHMYGOD.
Scrap that with Rory.
COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN. 
He's amazing. Ohmygod, not only is he such a beautiful person on the inside but also on the outside and he treats me like a princess. He's so sweet and I cannot help thinking 'how in cheese name did I end up with him?!' 
I actually cannot explain how happy I am today, all thanks to him.
I LOVE him. Yes LOVE.
Holy poo. 
No longer are my childhood fantasies expected as I no longer have fantasies. My reality matches it. The fantasies that I've always wished for, are HERE. In my heart. I will be his princess forever more... 
Anything he says splits my face into this huge grin. I love him. I do.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

An upside-down love story...

Ew, Ew, Ew...
I swear the days get longer and longer the further you progress through the week.
I am swimming in essays. I'm pretty much 100% sure that starting an essay the lesson before it's due is not how it's meant to be done. However I did prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to... no, I didn't finish it in time and yes I said I'd 'forgotten it'.
If I had £1 for every time I used that excuse I'd be a millionaire.
Every year, I make myself a pact promising that I will do my homework and assignments on time and not one year yet have I ever achieved this.

Now you may remember yesterday I told you about Rory (by the way this is a fake name just in case someone figures out it's me) and I may have purposely forgotten to mention that he's kinda almost dating this other girl. Not only is she just another girl but she's someone I know. Now, in a way they are perfect for each other as they are both as average as average people on average tablets get. Neither of them have any redeeming features they are pure averagenessnessness (other than her extremely attractive sister, even me straight as a straight person can admit to this). Do I pursue that path or don't I... Maybe he's been friend-zoned as they have been talking since Easter, ages ago right. Still nothing has happened. Surely it isn't questionable, must have been. Friend-zoned... surely. Please? For once let my fortunes be good, let me be the one which gets the guy.

My desperation is very apparent now... moving on.

I think throughout my life I have merely been indoctrinated by rom-coms and now believe that the love in these films exists...
Well, I have proof.
COLLIN. 
*Cue soppyness* Today he messaged me and every time he does my heart melts... Currently I my trip to America for yes, just under a WHOLE TWO YEARS time (I'm a student I have to save). In America I will meet him, this guy, the one I've been talking to and fallen in love with. I will meet him? Seems a love story upside down right? I'm meant to meet him first then fall in love, well that's what we've been lead to believe. Well NEWSFLASH, it's the modern world now... we like to change shit up a little.
BUT...
Can I cope with not hearing from him for at least 5 days at a time? I sometimes feel like it's me making the effort. I used not to be, it used to be ALL him but... not any more. There's always that question in the back of my mind, what if? What if... there's another girl there too? What if... he doesn't mean anything he's saying?
How am I supposed to know? Well, I'm not and that's it... it's the luck of the draw.

I told him today that the next conversation will be initiated by him and i won't start a conversation until he does... Finally I feel I can take some control.

I hope it remains... maybe tomorrow I shall enlighten you all on my wonderful (or not so wonderful) family life.